Every tech site seems to have a dozen or more articles about the iPad. Nearly every tech blog has spouted an opinion about the device. A lot of people are focusing on the fact that it can’t do most of the things other devices can do. It can’t multitask. It can’t run Flash. It can’t fit in your pocket. Etc. I thought I would help Steve Jobs out and give some people ideas of what the device can do.
Shower Power
Although Apple hasn’t outright said so, the iPad is probably very water resistant. That means you can take it in the shower with you and have it play music, so you can bless the world with your wonderful shower voice as you sing along in perfect tune. Have no idea what tune means? That’s okay! Just use the T-Pain auto-tune app!
Fat Chat
The rates of obesity in the US seem to have begun plateauing. That means we need a new way to burn even fewer calories. If you thought walking to your computer desk was hard work, fret no more! You can use the iPad from your couch (or kitchen)! Perhaps more important is that you no longer have to expend all that energy pressing down physical keys, so you can cut that calorie-burning typing from 30 calories an hour to 15!
Shopper Stopper
Being very “green” is an important part of feeling better than everyone around you, so avoid harming a recyclable piece of paper and instead bring your iPad charged with power from a coal power plant. It can feature your shopping list and pictures of what items look like (in case you can’t remember what an apple looks like when it doesn’t have a bite already taken out). As a bonus, you can use it to explain to other shoppers how they are pissing you off by blocking your ability to shop quickly.
Crime Time
Ever walk through a sketchy part of town at night and feel like you’d be much safer if you had one of those big, black police flashlights? No worries! Just download one of the many “flashlight” apps on your iPad and hold it out in front of you. Why would a criminal risk robbing you when you’re clearly lighting the way with a $500-$830 flashlight?
Camper Pamper
Ever go camping and wish you weren’t camping? Well, now you can almost pretend you aren’t by watching pre-recorded videos that you’ve re-encoded and synced on your 4:3 device. It’s just like watching TV at home! If a bear attacks you, just download a picture of a forest fire and hold it out in front of you. You’re guaranteed to be safe. As an added bonus, the iPad doubles as a Frisbee when the battery dies!
Now that you’re thinking positively, feel free to add your own suggestions!
